The days are long, but the years are short. Enjoy it while it lasts. Cherish the time while they’re young, it’s over so quickly. They grow up so fast. I’ve heard them all. Usually it’s said when I’m up to my eyeballs in toddler tantrum tears or trying to survive the last, tortuous hour of a flight. They mean well, I know, but the timing is terrible, no matter how right I now realize they are.
When you’re pregnant or breastfeeding for eight years straight, and there’s always at least one tiny, hot body on you, it can seem like the sickness, diaper blowouts, and shrill crying will never, ever end. Until one day, ready or not, it’s over. My four girls are not old yet, they’re now 2, 4, 6, and recently turned 9. So we’re still a sight when we’re out together, but it’s nothing like when I was out alone with an infant, 2, 4, and 6-year-old. It’s amazing how much change occurs in two long, I mean short, years. Now there’s only one kid in diapers, and she can tell me when it needs to be changed (she runs and hides, no verbal communication needed).
This Christmas we will only need to travel with one bulky car seat. Everyone is capable of watching at least one of the Frozen movies on an airplane. Everyone sits in their own seat on the plane- expensive yes, but it’s nice to have my own seat back after eight years of sharing. I often sleep through the night. This Fall I will be completely and totally alone for two mornings a week, for better or worse. Stay tuned for a complete mental breakdown and doubting my life’s purpose with this new alone time I thought I always wanted.
My neighbor just had a baby and I have literally asked to “borrow” him, because I miss my babies. However, I’m completely confident we are not meant to have any more. I have friends who practice Natural Family Planning and I think it’s a great statement of faith and the blessing a child is to a family. However, it’s not for us and I physically cannot carry another child. As I’ve written in blogs before, my pregnancies were difficult and the last one hospitalized me twice, because I couldn’t keep anything down. I lost time with the kids I had and we had to have family fly across the country to help, because I was incapable of taking care of my own children. Not to mention we had only lived in New Jersey for a couple months and had just moved into our home a few weeks before the nausea hit hard. I took the pregnancy test the day the movers were coming, so I was excused from any heavy lifting.
No, they’re not old yet, but the dramatic shift from always having a baby on my hip, in my belly, or lugged asleep in a car seat is drastic. The emotions that come with it are confusing and turbulent. One second I’m crying while I hold my friend’s baby and the other I’m considering tagging along on my husband’s next business trip- to ASIA. I have struggled immensely with the idea of not having any more children. I know our family is complete and God has already given me what I can handle-and then some-but it’s still just plain sad sometimes.
I’m nostalgic for the squishy babies who made the cutest faces, but it was all consuming, and I now feel called to dedicate that energy to a new endeavor. I thoroughly enjoyed each of my babies, except Elena! I spent her infancy terrified, because she had central apnea and could stop breathing in her sleep at any moment. My nostalgia isn’t remembering that part! I even ended up needing therapy in the thick of having a fourth baby, a husband who travels a lot, recently moving from Mexico City to New Jersey, and no family nearby. I was barely hanging on and I was not the best version of myself. I made it, I grew through it, but I do not want to repeat it.
I’m being brave (and controversial) by bringing up the “how do you know when you’re done having kids” subject. I didn’t intend to go there, but it’s inevitable when talking about transitioning out of babies and into new, big kid territory. Just because I’m sad and miss having a baby sometimes, doesn’t mean I should be having another child. I mean, I miss my college years, but you don’t see me eating cup of noodles and working the 5AM shift at Jamba Juice. I can miss something without needing to relive it.
I cannot have another child based solely on my emotions. There’s a lot more to consider beyond how I feel about it. Emotions are a tricky thing. They are a gift from God to reveal the desires of our heart, but at the same time they are not to be (fully) trusted!
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.” -Romans 12:2
So I take my emotions with a grain of salt. I have to align my thoughts and emotions with what God wants for me. I have to renew my mind, have a sound mind, not just “follow my heart.” A bible study from Daily Grace Co. called “Emotions and the Heart” says it this way, “A helpful way to think of emotions is that they are only a gauge and not a guide. We should not interpret emotions as something to follow, but instead, emotions can be a helpful gauge of where the affections of our hearts are directed toward in the midst of our circumstances. If we were to follow our emotions, we would be tossed to and fro like the waves of the sea. But if we use our emotions to help us search our hearts and minds, we can be thoughtful and discerning in our responses.”
It’s important to look at the source of the emotion. If I did everything based on my emotions of the moment my family would be a broken, confused mess. The root of my weepy eyes when I hold my friend’s newborn is over the memory of the unconditional love that took hold of me with each of my babies. A love that is still very much active, not a love I’m searching for. My emotional gauge was reiterating that I have a lot of love to continue giving as I teach my girls to grow in Christ. And the overflow can be poured into others.
There was a back and forth discussion when my husband and I deliberated whether we were capable of having a fourth child. There was no discussion needed regarding a fifth! We both knew we were at capacity and our personalities and God-given limits were already being pushed by four kids in the span of 6 years! Aurora is now just over two-years-old and I have prayerfully dealt with my mixed emotions. God has let me in on some of the plans he has for me and my family and adding to it is not the plan anymore. He has me looking outward now that I have come up for air. These past eight or so years I have only had the energy to focus on my immediate surroundings and my young children’s needs. Now, we can branch out as a family in service to others, and I have found more quiet moments to grow in spiritual discipline. The tides are shifting and I’m flowing with Jesus
I’ve been drawn to read and study like never before. God has replaced my desire for more children with a desire to be His child. I find myself looking for pockets of time to read and reflect when before it would be spent organizing toys or quickly prepping dinner while my hands were free. I miss my babies, but God has shifted my focus to something new that I’m in the midst of discovering. It’s taping into the same service, love and compassion I have for my kids, but now we’re expanding beyond ourselves and welcoming more people into our home.
Motherhood has had a way of humbling me like no other. It has taught me how to ask for forgiveness. It has brought me to my knees. It has shown me what unconditional love is. It has helped me understand God’s love for me. I had never felt love like this before and somehow He loves my girls- and me- even more?! It has taught me the meaning of mercy and grace. I mess up on the daily with the harsh words I use, the impatient looks I give, and yet God still forgives me, picks me up off the floor and talks to me the way I talk to my girls, “It’s okay. Get up and try again. Nothing you do can make me stop loving you.”
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