Why Are My Kids So Needy?
- Brooke Ramos
- Nov 12
- 6 min read
There is no greater mom high or mom drain than being intensely needed by your child to fix all her problems and make things right in her world.
When they’re babies they are literally dependent on you for survival. Never been more needed (or terrified) in my life than when I took home our first baby girl ten years ago. Then comes a toddler who stumbles, because their little feet can’t keep up with the inertia of their big head, and only mommy can dry those tears. Then off to preschool where they cling to you like spider monkeys. They have to be scraped off of your body at school drop off. Later in the elementary years, they have to run everything by mom first, from friend drama to what they should eat for a snack.
Oh how I thrived on being needed by my babies. It was like I’d been waiting all my life for this great purpose- to finally feel truly indispensable and completely needed by someone else. I was drunk with power as I breastfed my sick baby who only I could console. I felt overwhelming pride when my crying kid pushed through the crowd of doting people to get to me and only me. She needs me. She can’t live without me. I am her everything. I was totally high on mom power.
Hungry? I never trained them on bottles, and I was the only one with the boob. Fighting with a sister? Mom is always there, making her the only witness and worthy to be referee. Had a totally random thought? Mom needs to hear this one. Can’t find your library book? Only mom knows where everything is. Had a nightmare? Only mom can calm your fears. Need to throw up? Mom has quick reflexes and light sleep, so she’ll catch it in the bowl. All matters were directed at me and every sentence out of their mouths started with, “Mama…”.
Humans are soooooo needy. We make terrible choices when left to figure things out on our own and quickly go to dark places when isolated (COVID proved that). We need fixing, companionship, to be challenged, but mostly we long to be perfectly loved. My innocent babies looked to me to be all they needed and I tried so desperately to be all that they needed, but I came up short day after day. I was spent, exhausted, and annoyed that I was the one they came to for all of their needs. I resented the children I had trained to come to me to fix everything. What had I gotten myself into and how was I going to crawl out of this deep hole while holding four young girls? Where is the savior I need?
My own insecurity had me convinced that finally being needed by someone, by each of my four daughters, gave me worth and value. As long as I rely on the Lord for my strength I’ll be able to keep being everything to everyone. I had it all so twisted. Yes, the Lord can give me strength to be a good mother to my children, but I am not their savior. He would never ask that of me. I am not defined by their need for me either. My identity rests in being a daughter of the King, unconditionally loved simply by being His child. His love pours out of me and into my children, so they can see Jesus through me. Philippians 4:19 says, “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.” He will take care of me and all my neediness, including the times when my girls just need their mom. If I prayerfully ask, He gives me strength to endure meltdown days, wisdom when faced with challenges to our family values, and peace when I let go of control. He doesn’t ask anything of me, but to love out of being loved.
“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:11-12
There wasn’t one “Aha!” moment when it dawned on me that I was physically and emotionally incapable of being all my girls need. Instead it grew out of an awakening love, a neediness, a desperate longing for my Savior. The more I realized my need for Jesus, the more I understood only He can be our everything. I always come back to this verse, 1 John 4:19, “We love because He first loved us.” I can’t do it without Him.
My kids might want me, but they don’t always need me. Once I stopped trying to be all they need and let go of needing them, it allowed my husband to come into his role completely as Papa. Now sometimes they even call me, “Pa- I mean Mama.” I have even taken 3 solo trips to date, and shocker, everyone had a great time! One of those trips was to a life-changing Thrive women’s conference by Bridging The Gap (BTG). I was transformed in a weekend. I am all in for Jesus, because I put my need for Him before all things and all others. And wouldn’t you know…my capacity to love and serve has exploded.
Since confessing to God, that I am not all my girls need, and He is, He helps me see where I can weave him into our daily life. The girls were fighting like sisters do, you know, in church during worship with elbows, shoves and mean whispers. I quickly separated them, using my own body as a barrier. The last song ended and it was time for communion. One of my girls is baptized and takes it regularly, but was refusing to budge this morning and I knew why. She was convicted by her behavior. I got the little cup and wafer for her and told her, “If there were ever a time for you to take Communion it is now. God does not want any of His children to hold on to their guilt. He wants you to know every moment of every day that you are forgiven if you confess, and you can be set free from any pain, shame or guilt you think you deserve. Tell Him you’re sorry, take this and know you are unconditionally loved. Let go of the lie that you don’t deserve communion or forgiveness.”
My girls can’t earn my love, they can’t grow it or shrink it, it just is. This is God’s design for families. It’s supposed to be a reflection, albeit imperfect, of his relationship with each of us, His children. Except his love is perfect. His love is not conditional, it doesn’t lash out, He doesn’t withhold it. Romans 5:8 says, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ came to this world, suffered and died for each and every one of us as we are. He doesn’t want us when we’ve cleaned up our act, He already sacrificed himself in our place because he loves us perfectly and wants us to come as we are.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
We’re needy because God created us with a deep desire that can only be satisfied by Him and Him alone. We’re very good at trying to fill it with affection from a spouse or kids, finding our purpose, even addiction or worldly success. Yet chasing these things never has a finish line. Every step closer, the finish line moves farther, and the hole remains. As we fill our lives with everything but Jesus we still come up empty. That is because only He fills our need to be perfectly loved and made whole.
When I’m being called by three kids at once, the stove is boiling over, someone is crying, and I just got terrible news, I could explode, or I can play this song by Matt Maher: “Lord I Need You”
Lord, I need you, Oh I need you
Every hour, I need you
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need you
So go ahead, call me needy. I’ll own it. I’m super needy for Jesus. God knows it, and like a good parent, He couldn't be more proud.
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