The overly prepared, worrier in me is often the nube negra who spoils everyone’s fun out of angst, or cancels the plans altogether because the idea is too much for me to handle.
Sometimes the fear and angst is warranted. Like a six hour plane ride with four kids 7 and under during cold and flu season two days before Christmas. Merry Christmas, we brought you covid! I can only fit so many busy bags in a toddler-sized froggy backpack. But other times I’m being ridiculous. Like going to the overpriced grocery store nearby, instead of Aldi twenty minutes away, because of the anxiety my car-hating infant induces in me with her screams. Why do I let someone the size of my thigh dictate where I go, when I go, and whether I eat or sleep?!
Today I almost ruined everyone’s Saturday by skipping the beach. The baby started up with a fever again after being well for 2 days, so I had to take her in for a urine sample Saturday morning. First, she pooped seconds before the sample was to be taken, so I had to feed her and wait. Then, the doctor failed miserably at inserting the catheter and poor Aurora cried and looked at me with such betrayal, because I wasn’t stopping the pain being inflicted on her. And then she proceeded to pee all over the table. So the third attempt was the bag stuck to her and another feeding and finally we got the sample, over an hour later.
My brain started to buzz and I could feel the anxiety building as I tried to process and plan now that we were behind schedule. The beach traffic would be terrible, the poor baby was traumatized, I still had to get my stuff together, the kids were going to complain now that the drive would be 1 1/2 hours in traffic instead of just an hour. We’ll get there to eat lunch and the toddler will be creeping into naptime which was when we originally should have been headed home. Worst of all I had roped some friends in to coming with us and if not for me they would have left hours ago. It was all a mess now.
Sometimes I don’t want to put on my big girl pants and make the decision. I want the doctor to tell me I have to do the catheter on the baby so it’s on her and not me when the baby cries. I want my husband to make an executive decision about our day trip, so I’m not to blame if the day is a disaster or the kids are hugely disappointed because we have to cancel. The weight of responsibility for the lives and well-being of four little humans is more than I can carry some days. I know the verses, but sometimes the stress and anxiety are louder.
“Cast all your anxieties on Him because he cares for you.” -1 Peter 5:7
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13
“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28
When I let the stressors win and stay home because it’s easier than herding 4 out in the wild I’m left with bitterness and disappointment. Yet 9/10 times when we go I’m so glad we did and all the drama I built in my head was just that- in my head. All the things I thought I needed, all the scenarios I tried to plan for, almost none of it actually happens. Except for the baby poop explosions and bathroom trips- those are always accurate.
I got over myself and we did go to the beach on Saturday. Some of the kids even napped on the way there, which I didn’t plan for, but napping children is always pleasant surprise. I’m so busy planning for the worst, I forget about the happy accidents. Once we were there everyone forgot about the messy morning and we had plenty of time to play. We only have so many summers while sand castles are fun and they’re still small enough to swing over the waves. I have to stop sweating the small stuff and letting it keep me from enjoying this season with littles.
I need a little more Papá in me. He travels with one diaper, no snacks and definitely no water bottles, and they never complain or ask him for a thing. Yet they always come back smiling…and thirsty. I’m going to block out the what if’s and instead face adventures with why not? and a few extra diapers. And maybe a change of clothes…
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