The One Thing I Need

It was one of those nights when I felt I had failed as a mother.  I tore into my kids because their messy floor was the drop in the bucket that sent my temper gushing over the side and out of my mouth and flailing arms.  A few books and a pair of pants, some stuffed animals and a toy house strewn about on their bedroom floor had me threatening to donate everything they own to, “Someone who will take care of it and not leave it on the floor!”  Tears were in my six-year-old’s eyes as I went on my rant yelling that she probably takes forever to go to sleep, because she sleeps in a cave of stuffed animals that make her overheat.

It was 8:30pm, I had fed everyone but myself, I still had a kitchen to clean because they’re kids, so their kitchen jobs serve more for character than cleanliness.  I also thought it was a good idea to make muffins and bread between putting away Costco groceries and starting dinner.  Since the kitchen was in full swing, why not add meal prep for the week while making dinner and fielding tired, hungry kids?

Why do these ideas in my head always sound so quick, simple and doable?  Then once I start them I’m overwhelmed, it’s getting late, but try to stop me mid-food prep and I’ll short circuit.  Once I start I have to finish.  So…I probably should not have started in the first place.

I convince myself I’m capable of multitasking well (it’s a lie, NO ONE is, there are brain studies on how inefficient it actually is).  For some reason I’m sure it won’t take that long, and I think I’ll have the energy to see it through.  What makes me think I can do these crazy things?  Because I should be able to do it all.  A prepared mom has her house in order, her meals planned and prepped for the week, and healthy homemade snacks for the kids in the fridge.  A good Christian is serving at a VBS…or two…and can do it all with well behaved kids in tow.  A caring wife makes sure her husband has home cooked meals for long days in the city.  Plus, I just got back from a family vacation at a peaceful lake, so I should be recharged and have the energy to do and do and do and do.

The kind of views that takes your breath away

Just that morning I had spent TWO hours in the Word.  Part of that time was spent praying the armor of God.  I had slept well and my kids played nicely so my quiet time was actually quiet.  I had time to do a good workout.  You are probably starting to doubt my character and sincerity at this point.  Sounds like a great start to a smooth sailing day, right?  So where did it all go terribly wrong?  That’s why I’m confessing my sins of the evening and writing about it, so God can reveal it to me, and maybe to a reader who struggles with the same great day that gets shadowed by an ugly evening.

It went wrong when I tried to cram too much into the afternoon when I should have been unwinding with my kids.  It was when I refused to let go of the unnecessary tasks, because I’m stubborn.  It was when I turned to my own desires, lists and vices like sugar and caffeine.  It was when I started ruminating on all the tasks and stuff around me that was screaming for my attention, but I seemed to never have time to take care of.  So it just stares at me, piles and abandoned odds and ends, forever under my skin annoying, but never given time to tackle because something, or someone, is always more pressing.  This drains my energy, a constant nag in the back of my mind taking up space.  My afternoon took a downturn when I listened to my own complaints and shortcomings instead of turning back to the One who protects me from myself.

I didn’t need to keep making food for the week through dinner.  I needed to sit down with my family and feed myself.  No one asked or expected me to keep going, just me.  I needed to stop doing dishes because they were bugging me and wait to let my husband help me, because after dinner he always does.  I don’t need to let my thoughts be overrun with the lists of things I think I need to do, or don’t have time to do.  Instead, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12:2). This applies to both my small daily tasks and the big looming decisions.  I can trust God with how he wants me to spend my afternoon and with providing the finances and wisdom to repair our roof.

The turning point in my tantrum in the bedroom my two youngest share was when I was tossing things out of her bed and the little wooden box she painted for her Yoto cards hit the floor and broke.  My heart broke with it.  “What is wrong with me?” I chided myself.

Sin is an ugliness we do not want to believe even exists in us.  “I would never be mad enough to throw my kids stuff down and break something they so thoughtfully made.”  But sin is lurking in all of us.  We are born with it and we cannot escape it on our own.  We cannot work our way out of it, we cannot study ourselves away from it, and we cannot deny it is in us.  There is only one escape from it.

Jesus.

There is power in that name.  Jesus was the only perfectly, obedient fully human and fully divine being who was acceptable as a sacrifice in place of sin.  Sin is one ugly end of the spectrum and it requires something from the opposite, perfect end to absolve for it.  Sin holds so much dead weight and is so deeply embedded into our being that we as humans were never going to be capable of escaping or overcoming it.  Dire, I know.

But God.

He loves us too much to leave us to be consumed by sin and destined to eternal death.

So Jesus.

He had to be sent by God to atone for our sins, because there was no other way to save us from ourselves.  We didn’t earn it.  We don’t deserve it.  Grace is a no strings attached gift from a merciful God.

I was only able to pick up the literal pieces on the floor, stop my ranting and apologize profusely to my child because God stopped me in my tracks.  When that little box hit the ground it woke me up out of my anger.  I saw what I had done and I was guilty.  I left the room and took my shame with me.  I took some deep breaths and forced myself back into their room to confess how terribly wrong I was to react in anger towards my girls.  I listed my offenses and my sweet Stella said the words, “It’s ok Mom, I forgive you.”  Just like that.  Jesus’s forgiveness is also just like that.  It only requires a simple acceptance for an act of love that is beyond words or full comprehension.  He died on the cross so we can have access to complete forgiveness.  Our sins are forgotten and we have access to the Holy Spirit and a restored relationship with God again.   

Sin is ugly, but love is stronger.  Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.”  Hugs and kisses and “I love you’s” were like a balm to my self-inflicted wounds and their pain after such awful words and actions on my part.  The correct approach to taking care of our things was then discussed.  All our things are extra blessings to be cherished and shared, not strewn on the ground like we’re ungrateful.     

Two peas in a pod

I’d be lying if I I said everything was fine after that.  The effects of sin are part of the price paid for succumbing to the flesh.  I had still hurt my girls and while they forgave me, the wounds would stay for longer.  In bed I tearfully fought with myself with thoughts of, “I thought I was better than this God.  Why is this still happening after such a relatively easy day?  If this is what happens after a morning rooted in the Word, I fear what I would be like on a truly challenging day.”

I woke up with a headache from tension in my jaw and even soreness in my body.  I hit “play” on my short morning devotion on Dwell.  I had to play it twice to know I had heard God clearly.  He was speaking right to me, answering my doubts and questions from the night before with 2 Peter: 3-4,

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”  (My own emphasis added).  What did I do wrong yesterday?  I relied on myself and not His, “great and precious promises.”  Promises like these:

• John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

• Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

• Matthew 6:19-21, “‘Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

These are the precious promises that have the power to renew my mind no matter what chaos is swirling around me and to silence untrue thoughts.  He offers promises of peace and freedom from fear and anxiety if we focus our thoughts on what is, “true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things…and the God of peace will be with you” Philippians 4:8-9.    

He needs to be my focus in everything I do, my greatest and only lasting treasure.  All the things of this world will pass away, so why do I give them so much of my head and heart space?  He is my daily bread, and His Word is a lamp to my feet, providing me with one step at a time because He knows I get overwhelmed by the big picture (Psalm 119:105).

Peter was a hot head like me, so that gives me great comfort that God could use even Peter to do great things for the Kingdom.  It’s Peter who wrote those verses that I heard this morning, a message straight from God, reminding me of all I need.  I have Jesus in my heart, I am one of these Christians Peter was writing to, and here he tells us in verse 3, “His divine power has given us everything we need.”  The rest will pass away.  The rest can wait.  He will guide the small steps and the major moves if I continuously renew my mind to hear Him and remind myself, “God, you’re all I need.”